This is the best flame ever...it's how Third rail forum died and how all flame forums will die.
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Meet Brent, he attained his dream of wrasslen in Bingo halls and Boy's Club basements across the great state of New Jersey, and he did it all while suffering minimal brain damage.
Today he and a group of his fellow jabronis are going to investigate "the third rail commune". This delegation of specialists are on a mission to find out what really goes on at this secret site.
Arriving at their destination they begin a tour of the compound.
They are greeted by a glassy eyed woman named Feral. She resembles a female Howard Stern impersonator with the flushed, blotchy face of a heavy drinker.
Feral pins a smiley emoticon sticker on to each of their lapels then screams, "O Snap, you all need to sit down."
Confused, the delegation remains standing.
Feral begins unbuttoning her blouse and offers to show them her tits, they all profusely decline and begin to cover their eyes.
Disappointed, Feral staggers away shouting a final "LOL"
Talking to a man named Freud, they learn the contents of his stomach but little else.
Freud then pulls out a 15,000 mAh external battery pack and declares proudly it was his most recent purchase. The delegation nod politely and leave behind a still smiling Freud who continues to hold the battery pack limply in his hands, caressing it slowly.
with growing concern they continue on until they come upon a chubby Mexican woman named Flea who is in charge of taking ID photos for all the commune members. Blurry, out of focus pictures taken from weird angles lay at her feet.
They ask Flea what she likes best about the commune.
Flea looks confused, she yells "I swallow!"
The delegation, feeling very uncomfortable, question her further, "What do you do every day?"
Flea holds up both hands and does a double face palm, "Does that answer meet with your approval?" She states blankly.
Brent reaches into his pockets and pulls out a lollipop and hands it to Flea.
Flea's eyes go wide with excitement, her little hands fumbling to remove the wrapper.
Looking at Brent she squinches up her face it what appears to be a smile then thrusts the lollipop in her mouth and begins to suck it with unbridled glee.
Flea then does a small curtsy and skips off.
Brent makes a note of this bizarre behavior and continues his tour.
Brent and company next come across a man named Vitriol who is doing goat yoga and wearing "I (heart) the commune leader" T shirt. He looks like a dwarf extra from the Lord of The Rings movies. He is smaller than Rumpledkiltskin.
They ask him if he is free to leave the commune.
Vitriol says, "I like it here, I don't have to think much and that is a good thing. The leader is a good man. A very, very good man."
Vitriol then pours a whole pot of coffee onto his head and says he has to gather a basket full of ass kisses for his leader.
The delegates seem confused and ask if he is being prevented from speaking freely.
Vitriol replies, "I like it here, I don't have to think much and that is a good thing. The leader is a good man. A very, very good man."
Members write more notes and continue on until they come upon a woman named Fredreeks
Fredreeks is asked how she is feeling and what she does each day. She just stares skyward sucking in air then slowly blowing it out, her lobotomy scar barely noticeable.
When asked a second time she stands on one leg and tries to chew a piece of gum but immediately falls face down, her legs begin moving in circles like she is riding an imaginary bicycle causing her to spin like a pinwheel on the dusty ground.
Around and around she goes as a cloud of dirt begins to form.
A shout of "REPPED "is yelled in the distance by the creepy Feral woman.
The delegation is becoming alarmed and head to the center of the commune where a large stage is set up.
The commune leader is sitting on an inner tube, wearing dark glasses and holding up a shoe. He declares that a man named Cunty now lives inside this shoe.
"I have used my magic admin panel of social justice and have imprisoned the Cunty in this shoe"
The Leader then hands the shoe to an old man and says, "this shoe is now banned from this commune for spamming, take it far from here"
The old man places the shoe into a bag labeled "world wide VPN ban" and runs off into the jungle with it.
The leader then faces his people and says, "I want everyone of my followers to remove their right shoe now in a show of solidarity for my decision. You all shall wear only a left shoe as a living reminder of what that horrible man Cunty has done to this commune."
"Every time you look down and notice you are missing one shoe, blame Cunty"
The leader than removes his pants, Feral rolls up on him like a donut at a policeman's ball and thrusts both thumbs up his asshole
with an audible "PLONK" she pulls both thumbs out, turns towards the gathered crowd and gives the double thumbs up.
Feral then heads into the jubilant crowd and holds her thumbs under their noses and ask, "Does it stink?"
In unison people yell, "NO!"
The crowd then begins shaking and shivering, speaking in tongues and cheering wildly.
The commune leader starts performing violent crotch chops like some two bit WWE wrassler. His shaved balls dangle at strange angles, his erect penis is shaped like a spiraled ram's horn.
He begins thrusting out his buttocks and people start blowing kisses at it. Followers closest to the leader begin leaping up like trained dolphins, at the apex of their jumps they flick their tongues against the leader's asshole then fall back to the ground in apparent ecstasy.
The leader then sits back down and prepares the crowd for the next speaker.
A black man named Johnny Storm saunters onto the stage, he is dressed like a cheap televangelist and wears a permanent toothy grin.
He starts pacing the stage, pumping his fist, psyching himself up for what is to come. Suddenly his neck veins bulge, a frothy spray of spittle rains down onto those closest to the stage as he begins screaming "CAWK" "CAWK" "CAWK" over and over again with such religious fervor that rows of people topple to the ground like bowling pins struck by an invisible force.
The shouts of "CAWK" reverberate across the compound like thunder, shattering windows and shaking the ground.
The man named Benzo then takes the stage, he stands behind a screaming Johnny and simulates butt fucking him while shouting "BOOM" with each pelvic thrust.
Half the audience is on the ground writhing like a pit of snakes, the other half is deliriously masturbating.
A fat kid named Din then jumps on stage and begins firing sanitary pads and juice boxes into the crowd using a T shirt gun
A now completely naked Feral re appears on stage, her vagina resembles a side ways monster mouth or if you want a more accurate description, a duck billed platy-pussy, and it smells like homeless people covered in Mayonnaise having anal sex.
Her tits resemble large, misshapen eggplants that lost a battle with gravity decades ago. They do not bounce, but instead slam violently together like two bald midgets head butting each other over and over again.
Feral starts doing squats, her sphincter looks like a naked mole rat giving birth, it emits a high pierced squeal with each squat causing birds to take flight and bats to crash into trees.
The Leader begins to punch his genitals until a silly string like ejaculation is sent flying in 4 different directions at once. When it lands back onto the stage women race to snort it up their noses like it was cocaine.
Things are becoming ugly.
The old man who had carried the shoe into the jungle suddenly appears among the crowd. He is holding a bag of flaming shit high over his head, he is trying to convince as many people as possible to fight for the honor of owning it.
He resembles a freak show carnival barker repeating a canned speech again and again.
Like an overweight clown selling balloons at a county fair, he gives off an eerie vibe and many people instinctively pull away when he approaches. The fire from the burning shit bag makes his face glow like a hideous Jack-o'-lantern. After several more minutes and no takers, the fire goes out and a large clump of shit falls to the ground. The old man picks up the shit, places it onto a new paper bag, sets it afire and repeats the whole process again.
A naked man they call Ant can be seen sitting on a 5 foot wide by 30 foot long red carpet that lines one of the aisles
Ant yells, "Look at me dear leader, look at me! It's all for you!" then scoots his ass along the length of the carpet while cheering wildly.
Back and forth he scoots, trailblazing a brown stain with each pass.
After 10 minutes of this Stan stops and assumes a fetal position, 2 burly men then roll Stan up into the rug and set it on fire.
The Leader nods approvingly.
A woman named Caskur punches the ground then drops trou and lets rip a watery, effluent blast of the shits while flipping off the leader, she announces she is leaving this shit hole and demands to be flown back to Australia with Brent's delegation.
Things are becoming unhinged and violent
a man named blandscape runs up onto Brent, a wild look in his eyes.
Her looks like the type of man who enters a bar and starts a fight with the coat rack.
He begins to yodel then stops suddenly, he then begins to clench his fists and stares at the sky while declaring "do you have anything of worth to say to me? Will you accept my challenge, a challenge that will last 3 days, a challenge where we will show an uncaring crowd how much time we have to waste. What say you, do you accept or will I have to call you a runner?"
Brent just stares at his shoes and says, "Piss off wanker"
Blandscape's body begins to vibrate so quickly that he causes the air around him to shimmer. He arches his back and dislocates both his shoulders, he starts spinning, his limp arms flailing about like a demonic marionette, his legs become like jelly, folding in on themselves as he bounces up and down.
This macabre dance ends with Blandscape clattering to the ground in a disorganized heap.
But then in a wink of an eye, Blandscape is back on his feet as if nothing had happened, he looks at Brent and repeats the same challenge.
The old man then appears out of nowhere holding up the flaming bag of shit, he pulls out a gun and starts firing it at the sun while telling Brent he will make the "match" and just needs both contestants to state their stips.
Brent says nothing, too shocked to move, bullets now fall back to earth and begin hitting Brent's wrestling buddies, all hell has broken lose.
The atmosphere has become dangerous, what's left of the the delegation flees back to the plane to alert the FBI.
Chaos has broken out at the compound as people fear what will happen next.
A man pushes a wheelbarrow containing a drooling Fredreeks and empties her out before the leaders feet.
The leader stands on top of Fredreeks and begins to speak to his flock.
Leader:
"I have tried my best to provide you all with a sanctuary, a place for you to shit post, a place where no talent hacks can clump together and form protection groups like the cunt wranglers.
"I have been betrayed. People are confronting me daily on my selective rule enforcement, my hypocrisy when it comes to PI. They are calling into question the way I am running this commune, they are questioning the decisions of my mods. They are saying my butt hurts all the time."
"We have tried to do what is good, to provide you ungrateful bastards with a place to post. I know many of you are not capable of posting anywhere else"
"This is your only home. The only place you have ever known. You feel safe here. But it's over now."
"Please do not panic, sit down everyone, sit down."
The leader than turns to nurse Vixen and says, "Please get us some medication"
A large vat of black liquid is rolled onto the stage, it is labeled "(HTTP) 502 Bad Gateway website not found"
The leader speaks again, "Come up everyone, it's very simple, just drink this solution. If they will not drink, make them."
"This is the only way my children. Please for God's sake let's get on with it."
"We have posted all the shit and useless gifs that this world can stand, let's just be done with it, let's be done with all the butthurt and Cawk talk."
"This is a revolutionary board deletion"
"It is not a self-destructive clusterfuck"
"website gone, let's get gone, let's get gone."
"We are going to a new place, a better place"
(Screams)
"Log off for the final time with a degree of dignity, not in agony and in tears"
"We must delete this shit hole with some dignity"
"We had no choice, now we have some choice, delete the whole fucking thing"
"Be dignified, stop screaming. If you have not taken the medication yet, take it"
"We will destroy ourselves and not let others do it for us"
(More Screams)
"stop this nonsense.... quit pretending you actually have lives to lose"
"All we're doing is shutting down something that has been bastardized beyond recognition"
"Do not fear, we will all awaken to a new and improved commune 3.0"
"I'm tired of it all. So tired"
Darkness falls
a single whimper is heard
